Malcolm and I bickered for a bit over the next few weeks, oscillating between saying that I couldn't do it again and him wanting to, then me saying I'd like to but I wasn't sure..... it all got messy and awkward for a while but we managed to smooth things out.
The other thing I decided was that I needed to try and improve things with my husband. I spent months talking to him, trying to address our problems. He fully admitted that there was a problem, but that he couldn't seem to do anything about it. He couldn't bring himself to show any affection for me and he had no desire.
Things came to a head on my birthday. He took me away for the night to a lovely hotel in a gorgeous little town that I love. We spent the day wandering around, taking photographs, walking .... it was lovely. We had a drink in the bar and then had a couple of hours to kill before dinner was booked.
Picture the scene - seaside resort, hotel room, married couple, my birthday..... very romantic setting, no? He was lying on the bed, relaxing before dinner, and I thought it would be an ideal time to try to inject a little romance into the evening. I stripped off, was wearing a new underwear set, pale blue silk matching bra and knickers, very pretty. I came over and straddled him on the bed, kissing him tenderly, and took his hands.
After a moment, he pulled away and asked me to stop. I was bitterly disappointed, but decided not to make a scene. I got ready for dinner, and we did have a lovely meal.
After dinner, I had a bath in the huge cast iron bathtub in the bathroom - it took 45 minutes to fill. He got into the bath with me and we talked. I explained that every time he rejected me, it made me less likely to try again, it hurt. I reminded him that his lack of need was limited just to him, and that he wasn't being fair to me. He agreed, but again said that he didn't know what he could do - he just didn't have it in him.
On the way home, we talked more. I mentioned a friend of mine in a similar situation, and she had a lover. Her husband had accepted the situation. We didn't talk about it any further, but there was a definite sad feeling between us.
A week later, we slept together for the last time. It was awful. I asked him to come to bed with me, he declined. I got upset, I cried. I felt hurt and rejected, I couldn't understand why he would continue to be so hurtful when he knew how it made me feel. Then he said he would and of course by that time I didn't want to any more...... but I couldn't then turn around and say no after making such a fuss. So we had sex but it was awful for both of us and I felt horrendous afterwards. It was just awful.
A few weeks later, we talked again, and he suggested that I could go down the open marriage route. If I needed affection, sex..... and he couldn't provide it, then I should get it elsewhere. He even suggested I could go and see Malcolm. That was kind of hurtful, but at the same time, gave me carte blanche to find sexual release outside of the marriage. I didn't know if I could be with anyone else, and I wasn't just going to run across country to meet Malcolm.
I felt upset - surely what I want isn't so complicated that I need to get it from two different men? Plus I still didn't really think I'd be able to find anyone that would actually like me.......
I didn't know what to do next, but the internet is an interesting place, and that was where I ended up....
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